Don't take 'Gmnk' for an answer
By ANTHONY E. WOLF
From Tuesday's Globe and Mail
August 21, 2007 at 9:31 AM EDT
------------------------------------
"Hi, Charles."
"Mmpf."
"How was school?"
"Ghnh."
"Did you have a good time when you went out with your friend?"
"Gmnk."
One of the most frequent and perplexing phenomena when it comes to teenagers - especially boys - is how they become uncommunicative to the extreme.
They talk in indistinct monosyllables. If they say words, it's usually, "I don't know," or "Fine." And wherever you are, that's where they don't want to be.
"Charles used to talk to me a lot. He couldn't wait to tell me about what went on with his day. The smallest details. You couldn't shut him up. But now - nothing. It's like a wall came down. He shuts me out completely."
Here's what happened: Once they hit adolescence, as part of normal psychological development, teenagers feel that they need to be emotionally independent from their parents.
At the same time, especially early in adolescence, they still feel a strong attachment to you. Hence, just being in the presence of a parent is a problem. It brings out all of their feelings of attachment and dependency - and for them that's no longer okay.
So they do their best to shut you out. They stick to their room - door closed, stereo on - or leave the house. And if they do have to be with you, they shut down as much as possible.
Why is this the case more with teenage boys than with girls? There are many reasons, but two main ones are, first, that boys' budding sexuality is suddenly very much in their heads - not exactly something they want to share with their parents.
"I kind of didn't follow too much in algebra today because all I could think of was Shawna LaGrange's breasts."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that dear."
Also boys, unlike girls, have not developed a facility at talking about themselves or their feelings. Hence, they find it hard to do without quickly becoming emotional - again, something that they're less comfortable with than girls.
What to do? First of all, don't take it personally. It isn't.
Second, trust that it will end. Usually, by the time that they are 17 or 18 - having achieved more emotional independence - they can talk to you again. And they do. This is important because it means that you don't have to cure their distancing. Time does it for you.
That being said, should you go off into a corner and have nothing to do with them and wait for three or four years? Definitely not.
They may want nothing to do with you, but that does not mean that you should simply back off. Just the opposite.
They still need to connect with you, even though they do not seem to want it. The trick with uncommunicative teens is that they may not want to talk with you, but you can still talk to them.
For starters, a good tactic is to go somewhere private.
Parents often find that being in the car, just the two of you, gives them the best results - they don't have to look directly at you, which seems to help - and there are fewer distractions than at home.
But you want to talk to them at home too. For example, in their room, but without the computer, music or telephone. Five or ten minutes is plenty.
What do you say?
"How is school? How are you doing in history? How are you liking your new algebra teacher, Mrs. Ehrenfelter? Is there anybody new who you've been talking to at school? Who do you sit with at lunch? Is there anything more than the usual day-to-day stuff that's been bothering you?
"Tell me one thing that I've been doing lately that ticks you off - not counting sitting here right now asking you questions? What would you like to do next summer? Tell me one thing that you would like for us to have for meals more than we do. Do you still think you might like to become an electrician like your uncle?"
Any questions. Just keep them coming.
Stupid questions are okay, as are questions that you have asked a million times before. The more often you do it, the more you will get the hang of it.
Most important of all: You must persist. Whether or not you get anything in return, keep coming back for more. The key here is that most of the time you may get little or nothing. But sometimes you do. After 22 non-productive "talks" the 23rd may be fruitful.
"Mrs. Ehrenfelter? You really want to know? I hate her. I totally hate her. If it weren't for her, I'd have a nice life."
"You really don't like her, huh?"
"Yeah, can I drop out of school?"
---------------------------------------------
Anthony E. Wolf is a clinical psychologist and the author of six parenting books, including Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager.